When There Are No Words

I was sitting with Ms. Art at our Girl's Varsity Basketball game on Friday night. We were entertaining T, cheerleader Q's 3 year old daughter, as mommy was occupied. She was sitting on my lap as she scribbled in the colouring book I brought for her, munching on Wheat Thins. While I had the munchkin, Ms. Art and I chatted about the game, our week, and how excited we were for Winter Break.

That's when Mo, my lead photographer for Yearbook and a 6th year night school student, sat behind me and wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered in my ear.

Mo: Ms. Walker, want to know a secret?
[T nuzzels into my chest to try and hear the secret.]
Me: Sure, what's up?
Mo: See that man right there, two over from you, in the front?
Me: The one in the plaid?
Mo: Yeah. That's my father.
Me: Oh really? Should I introduce myself?
Mo: Hahaha, oh no, don't do that. He hasn't said a single word to me since he got here.
Me: Huh???
Mo: Yeah, he's seen me and won't talk to me or look at me a second time.

Now, what would you have said? What do you tell a teenage girl, who's father is sitting right by her and is completely ignoring that she exists? What do you say to a girl who is 19 years old and just realized she has a sister who she didn't know existed? What do you say to a girl who sees that her father refuses to be in her life, but is willing to travel across town to go to his other daughter's basketball game? What do you say to the girl who sees that her father has managed to get one daughter out of his life (and who has now taken 6 years to graduate high school) but has gotten the other into one of the best public high school's in the city? What do you say?

I was in awe of her. Her tone claimed she didn't care. She brushed it off like a champ. She was able to laugh through the whole thing and keep doing what she was doing as if he wasn't there. She did that while I sat there, anger welling up in me and tears welling up in my eyes. I was trying to formulate the words I would say to that man. The words that would make him feel guilty for his crime against his own daughter. For more than just not being there, but pretending she doesn't exist. I imagined verbally pummeling him, making him feel tiny and awful about the decisions he made. I wanted him to feel the pain I imagined that Mo felt.

While Mo acted like she was fine, I knew she wasn't. Who can be fine with this situation? She didn't have to tell me that was her father. But I knew she told me because she needed to hear something. In the long pause in our dialogue, I wracked my brain for the perfect words to make her feel better. However, the truth is, there are no words that were going to heal that situation. There was nothing that I could do that could make it go away.

I've found in moments like this, where a child tells me some unimaginable thing has happened, there are only 3 words that are appropriate:

Me: Huh... well.... I love you. You are an amazing person and that's his loss to not have you in his life, not yours. You're better off with someone like that not in your life.
Mo: Oh I know... I just... yeah. I love you, too.
Me: Are you ok??
Mo: Yeah, I'm totally fine. I just wanted you to know.

That's when I squeezed her arms around me real tight and told her she didn't have to stay if she didn't want to. She said she was cool and sauntered off, taking pictures of the sporting event. She later introduced me to her sister that she just met, and her sister's teammates. She spent half of the next basketball game talking with her sister and getting to know her.

When there are no words that are going to solve the problem or heal the pain, I've found that "I love you" is what needs to be said. While it may not fix whatever is going on, it never hurts to know you have someone in your corner of the boxing ring of life.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

One of my favourite little corny phrases goes as follows:

Dance like nobody's watching
Sing like nobody's listening
Love like you've never been hurt.

There are many variations on this, and they're on all types of inspirational posters, wall decals, etc. While I tend to dance like nobody's watching all the time, and sing whatever way I want, this little diddy speaks to me on a deeper level.

A few years ago I got into a difficult situation with one of my coworkers, who was a good friend of mine at the time. Some awful comments came out of her during our disagreement, and she was pretty critical of how I carry myself in the building. Our friendship was forever changed because of this situation, and a few moments from our disagreement are burned in my brain. Here's why...

Colleague: [Ms. Walker], you walk around here like you can afford to lost your job. You take risks that other people wouldn't take and it almost flaunts that fact that if you got fired, you'd be able to go home to your parents and they would take care of you and you would be fine. And you always do it 'for the sake of the kids' but real people can't do what you do because we can't afford to lose our jobs."
Me: [Long pause] Um, well, I don't try to act like that. And while you're probably right that my parents wouldn't let me live on the street if it came to that, I do what I do because it's the RIGHT thing for children. If that is going to get my fired, then so be it. But I bet I would be infinitely more devastated than the majority of people in this building if I was fired because this job means more to me than a paycheck, and that's why I do what I do every day.
Colleague: I'm just telling you people don't like how you walk around here, acting like you've got nothing to lose. We have A LOT to lose.

Now, of course, there are many offensive parts to this conversation. But let's look past that for a second. Let's focus on the following:

Colleague: [Ms. Walker], you walk around here like you can afford to lost your job. You take risks that other people wouldn't take and it almost flaunts that fact that if you got fired, you'd be able to go home to your parents and they would take care of you and you would be fine. And you always do it 'for the sake of the kids' but real people can't do what you do because we can't afford to lose our jobs."
Me: [Long pause] Um, well, I don't try to act like that. And while you're probably right that my parents wouldn't let me live on the street if it came to that, I do what I do because it's the RIGHT thing for children. If that is going to get my fired, then so be it. But I bet I would be infinitely more devastated than the majority of people in this building if I was fired because this job means more to me than a paycheck, and that's why I do what I do every day.
Colleague: I'm just telling you people don't like how you walk around here, acting like you've got nothing to lose. We have A LOT to lose.

To be fair, she is right about a few things. If I was fired tomorrow (God forbid), I wouldn't have to worry about finances as much as the average person. I am extraordinarily fortunate to have parents who are able to help me when I stumble as an adult. While I do have my own savings and would be relatively fine without assistance, it never hurts to know that if all went to hell, they'd have my back.

I bring this up now because I was having a conversation today with Mr. Social Worker that reminded me of this moment. He was explaining to me how he was beyond frustrated with the bureaucracy that is DCPS and how they ask for arbitrary information in order to appease their boss instead of thinking of realistic and effectively solutions to problems. I sympathize and told him that's often why there is such a high turnover rate in this school system. You can either care and try to change the system to the point where you burn out or get out, or you can become apathetic and let the bureaucracy continue as is. The conversation turned into a discussion about working smarter not harder, and other shared philosophies we have.

Then it got intimate. He told me his fantasy.

Mr. Social Worker's fantasy is to win the lottery. The Megamillions or something like that where you get $20 million or something ridiculous. However, unlike most people, he would still come to work every day, as usual, and do what he loves doing: working with troubled kids. The only difference between real life and his fantasy is that when people asked him to do things that he knew wouldn't directly benefit kids, he could say no and not worry about his family's security. He could break rules and not worry. He could speak freely and do what was right by kids 100% of the time.

He could take risks that others couldn't take and walk around like he could afford to lose his job.

Sound familiar?

If the ultimate fantasy is to be able to take risks without the "life cost", why can't we operate like that every day? I've apparently been acting like that since Day 1 and it's only brought great things to our self-contained programming. It attempted to bring academic integrity to our athletics program. It brought on a completely different type of sports team. It allowed us to redefine what an education looks like for people with Intellectual Disabilities in DCPS. It defied what others expected of students with Emotional Disabilities and Specific Learning Disabilities. All of this happened because when you do the right things for kids, they blossom, grow, and defy all odds.

I fantasize that one day everyone will be able to dance like nobody's watching, sing like nobody's listening, and take risks for kids like they can afford to lose their jobs. Maybe then our school would be functional.

How do you behavior manage mental illness?

I walked into the building,
Like any other day,
Except this morning Angie's voices
Were getting in the way.
You see, what was supposed to happen
Was Ms. Connolly's period one
But instead of walking in there
She barged in and said, "Listen son!
If you fucking touch me one more time
You're gonna have an issue!
Imma smoke your ass and you'll be sorry
Because nobody gonna miss you."
"Angie honey, sweetie pie
Walk with me this way.
Please step into my office
And say what you gotta say.
Tell me instead of that little boy –
I know it's not the same,
But I want you here in school and calm.
Did I tell you that I'm glad you came?"

Breathe in, breathe out
Wash, rinse, repeat

I walked into the building,
Like any other day,
Except this morning Ciara was angry
Because Dean Sanders got in the way.
"Why he so pressed when I come
Always gettin' me in trouble?
It's like I walk up to the door
And he wants to serve me double.
I just got back from suspension
I'm not tryna stay home no more
But he makes it hard to walk in here
Without it feeling like a chore."
"Ciara girl, baby cakes,
Let's take a breath real quick.
Come with me to my office,
I know just the trick.
I need your help with something, please,
You know I'm always way too busy,
Could you set this all up for me –
Your headphones can blast Shy Glizzy.
If you're not feeling better in 20 minutes
I'll let mom know you'll be right back,
But I really want you here today
We can get you back on track."

Breathe in, breathe out
Wash, rinse, repeat

I walked into the building,
Like any other day,
Except this morning Izzy couldn't
Put the past in it's rightful place.
"Imma fuck that bitch up!
I swearta God I will, jus you wait and see.
Imma tear this whole mothafucka down!
Today shit ain't right with me.
Ms. Walker don't give me one of your peps
I already know what you gonna say.
There's nothing you can tell me
That takes that bitches words away.
She wants to hurt me, go ahead
Imma a get her back, it's understood.
She better sleep with one eye open
If she knows what's for her own good."
"Izzi sweetheart, you know you're my girl,
And you're absolutely right,
There is nothing I can do or say
That erases what happened last night.
But I do know that you made some good choices
This morning by coming here.
Let's make some more and sort it out,
There's nothing here for you to fear.
I'm going to love you through every moment
And hug you when you need it,
But use your words to tell me,
Don't give up, please don't quit.
You've come so far from when we met
And we've got a ways to go –
Let's keep up this journey together,
I need you to remember, I'm with you though.
You can sit with me until you're ready
To get yourself to class.
Take your time, we'll hug it out.
Then I'll write you your pass."

Breathe in, breathe out
Wash, rinse, repeat

When I walk into the building,
Each and every day,
I never know what's waiting for me
That is going to get in the way.
It could be the voices in Angie's head,
Or Ciara's paranoia,
It could be Izzy's anger problems
Anything could be waiting for ya.
How do you behavior manage mental illness?
Does anyone have a clue?
I'm willing to take help from anyone.
At this point, anything will do.
I don't know how to call a foul
Without a referee –
At what point have they lost control?
Many times it's hard to see.
The moment I meet one child's needs
Another's crying out for help,
Their attention seeking methods
Are less talk... more yelp.
Cursing, yelling, hitting, crying
Fists, tears, kicks, screams
Heartbreak, mind blown
All lead to shattered dreams.
Fear of failure, fear of success,
Fear of others, fear of responsibility,
Fear of disappointment, fear of life!
Frustration with their limited ability
To express themselves clearly,
Say what they really mean,
They are trapped inside themselves all day,
Their real emotions never seen.
If I were them, I'd scream too,
But that doesn't make it alright.
This is a school building, after all,
Screaming children must remain out of sight.

If that's how I was treated
When I was in the most pain,
I'd act out and be ridiculous, too
From screaming, I would not refrain.
You'd hear me screaming loud and clear:
"You're going to listen to me,
Whether you like it or not,
Because I will be what I will be.
Call me crazy, call me stupid
Call me retarded, call me SPED.
You can call me whatever you want
It can't be worse than what's in my head.
Just help me please, make it stop!
I want to get my education today.
I will clearly do anything for you to see me
Nothing can get in my way."
That's what I hear over and over
These unique cries are the same,
So my question for you is:
How would you stop my students' pain?

It isn't solved with a special plan,
Nor can it be corrected with detention.
I can't do all day therapy,
And they've already been given their suspension.
None of these are working,
It's only making them act crazier.
Try giving Izzy another suspension,
This "behavior management" doesn't phase her.
Until my school comes up with another plan,
Each and every day I will feel
Like I am failing so many of my children
Because I can't make an appeal
To our schools' forms of behavior management
That clearly aren't working for my babies.
They need a different answer, another choice
I need a "Yes, this works", no more "Maybe"s.

I don't know how much longer we'll last
Without answering these kids cries,
Because our system claims to meet their needs,
But Professor Umbridge taught me, "I shall not tell lies."
So I tell my children every day,
"I'm going to love you through this, bear with me.
I'll do my very best to help you,
I'm trying every day, I need you trust me.

For now, that is going to have to be enough.
I am truly sorry."

Breathe in, breathe out
Wash, rinse, repeat.




(Names have been changed to protect individual's identities.)

When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Go To Google

Term 2, Day 1. Today was supposed be fresh. Shiny. New. 

And it was, to an extent.

ML came in and was respectful. Didn’t curse. Completed his work. Didn’t draw on the desk. Remained seated the entire class.

Students didn’t scream at me in the hallway between every period. When I redirected them they listened and followed directions. Most of the time.

I was able to run home in the middle of the day because I forgot something. When I got back no one had noticed I was gone. No one had gotten in trouble for a solid 40 minutes.

A teacher came back after missing for an entire term. Students had a math teacher for the first time all school year. Shiny and new?

That didn’t prevent my day starting with a slap in the face. “I’ll be principal for the week.” Groan. Sigh. Trudge forward.

One of my teacher’s called out sick. It’s Monday. I shouldn’t be surprised.

PG attacked another student. Mr. P had to restrain him. Days without restraint: 0

The team agreed on a new system. Only half the teachers followed it. Better than none, I guess.

Why do I feel glass half empty? I spent 10 hours of my weekend preparing so that I could feel glory. That I could be reassured that I was doing things right; that I was making things better for students, not worse. But there I was, sitting at home after dinner, feeling like I failed them today. I feel like I’m crazy, trying to build a tower out of popsicle sticks and no glue. Once I get things balanced just right, someone breaths on it wrong and I’m back to square one.

So I turned to Google. “famous quotes”. Addicted2success.com was there to help me out:

1. “If you don’t build your dream, someone else will hire you to help them build theirs.” – Dhirubhai Ambani

I had built what I thought was my dream, but I still felt like I was hired by someone else to build theirs. Not inspired. Next.

2. “The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself.” – Mark Caine

I was born into a life a privilege and now I’m working in the hood. Does this even apply to me? I’m still feeling like a failure. Not inspired. Skip down a bit.

4. “When I dare to be powerful – to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I’m afraid.” – Audre Lorde

One of my favourites. However, lately I have not felt strong. I have felt more like a baby bird pushed out of the nest too early. I wasn’t ready to fly. I wasn’t ready to lead. Feeling more like a failure… Skip down a few more.

7. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison

Oh Tom… you always seem to have the right words. He spoke to me in this moment. Yes, I had found 10,000 ways that won’t work, and it will be ok if I find 10,000 more if I can even find one way that will. Semi-inspired… feed me…

8. “If you don’t value your time, neither will others. Stop giving away your time and talents. Value what you know & start charging for it.” – Kim Garst.

Yes, Kim. You’re right. I need to value myself a lot more; especially my time, which I tend to give freely. When I feel like my time is being wasted, I shouldn’t tolerate that. Then others will find value in my time and ultimately respect it. With more valuable time, I can probably accomplish a lot more in a day…. More inspired. Keep it up addicted2success.com….

9. “A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” – David Brinkley

David, what a great way to look at it. I have laid a foundation with bricks that have been thrown at me. No aides? No problem. No resources? Who needs you to get them! No programming? I can do that. And now instead of 2 teachers, we have 10. Instead of 2 aides, we have 6. Instead of no behavior techs, we have 4. Bricks thrown at us are what made us this strong. Keep. Them. Coming.

10. “Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” – Steve Jobs

This was it. Exactly what I needed.

Yes, I am crazy, a misfit, and a troublemaker. I have not made things easy for my school, nor the district, and I will not start to do so now. I will continue to kick and scream and fight for the kids who no one else will fight for. I will shout from the rooftops that they are doing great things. I will battle dragons, climb Everest, and dive to the depths of unknown seas to find the best way to educate these beautiful, talented, thriving children. For every 10,000 ways that don’t work, I have found 1,000 that do. I would find another million that don’t work just to find 1 more that does, because these kids are worth every attempt.

I’m not building a tower out of popsicle sticks, but of bricks that have been thrown at me. I am not fond of rules, and never will be unless I have written them. No one has been able to ignore me yet, and I will not let them do so now. We are moving forward, and will keep moving forward, because I am crazy enough to think I can change my school, DCPS, and if I’m really lucky, this country. Hell, why not the world?

I just hope Steve Jobs was right about me, that I’m that kind of crazy.

Thanks, Google. You always have the answer to my problems.

What Makes a Good Coach?

As you may have noticed, I have been a bit busy lately, considering my last post was nearly 3 months ago. To say the very least, it has been a difficult few months and I am glad that Spring has arrived. I quit running our athletic study hall, I've essentially joined the coaching staff of our Varsity Girls Basketball team, and they added on another class to the 6 I was already teaching. But hey, after 3... they all kind of blend together. I've attempted to maintain a social life, kind of. While the days were tough and I have been more exhausted than usual, I still love my job and wouldn't want to be anywhere else. This would be the perfect time to add on more things... right?

(Begin: musical interlude from dark, sad minor chords to happy, upbeat, Disney Princess theme music and birds chirping)

With Spring comes beautiful weather, cherry blossoms, and spring sports. Usually, this is when I get to take a break, go to baseball games and softball games (my favourite sports that our kids play), and then kick back during Passing League (boys touch football). The warm sunshine makes it nearly impossible for me to frown, I get to wear my most comfortable outfits (shorts with long-sleeve shirts), and the most delectable drink becomes appropriate to drink (Arnold Palmers... yummmmmm).

This is the time of year that I take to do me. To give myself time to relax. I don't manage children after 3:15p. I read books while sipping delicious cocktails at happy hours with outdoor seating. I wear sunglasses with pigtails and just a touch of make up and feel more beautiful than when I go to a black tie affair. Spring is a season where I live a fabulous life.

Spring 2013 will be different though.

I was talking with our amazing art teacher (yes, we only have 1), and we were discussing how much we love soccer. I told her that I coach my awesome 11 year olds (yes, I'm still doing that), and that I would love to help others with coaching at our school, but I didn't want to be a head coach. I had watched too much drama unfold in the world of Athletics and DCPS, and I wasn't interested in becoming knee deep in... it.

A few days later our Athletic Director (henceforward he will be known as AD), sent out an email to the staff about open coaching positions.

Tennis
Soccer
Girls Bowling
Girls Flag Football

Now, as I mentioned before, the soccer position was of interest to myself and Ms. Art, so I quickly texted her asking if she was up for it. We decided to have dinner and figure it out. Coaching High School is similar to 11 year olds... right?

We were at Chili's with Ms. B, and we were having some yummy margaritas and yummy appetizers, when it occurred to us that we both really wanted to coach soccer, but we didn't want to do it alone. I didn't feel that I could take on yet another responsibility, and she didn't feel as though she knew enough about coaching to make it happen. So together, we would make a perfect pair. I told her that it was going to be difficult to get girls to sign up for the fall if we didn't start recruiting in the spring. So how would we go about that? The best way was to have athletes participate in a secondary sport in the off-season beforehand... thus this spring. What spring sport could we rope new girls into?

Girls Flag Football

"Ms. Art.... we could probably get a ton of girls to play flag football... it's fun, and who doesn't like football in this city??"
"Yeah Ms. Walker... I guess.. but I really don't know much about football, let alone flag football."
"Me neither. But we're fun and it sounds fun so I bet girls would do it."
"Hahahahahhaha yeah... I guess."
"So let's do it!"
"Really"
"Yeah, I think this will be hilarious."

Ms. B just sat there shaking her head. She knows that neither of us know the first thing about football. But once I had texted AD saying that Ms. Art and I were his new flag football coaches, she was sold on being the Team Mom, helping organize the little things that every good team needs.

I immediately texted the football coach and told him that I was stealing some one of his coaching staff. One of the older members of the coaching staff, Coach S, was our former football coach who had taken our school to many a championship and had his fair share of trophies. To say the least, he was kind of a big deal in the DCPS football world. He also happened to be one of my Top 5 Favourite People In the Building. He reminded me a lot of my grandpa, the jolliest man alive, so I naturally wanted him around all the time. Coach S had casually mentioned he'd help me with flag football if I wanted to coach it (not so subtly hinting that I should coach the sport... well done, sir), so I marched into our Varsity Football coach's office (Coach S's usual hang out) and told him that we have a team and would be honoured for him to be our Offensive Coordinator. He was delighted. After leaving the football office, I went to his bud, Coach P (another former big time DCPS football coach) and asked him if he would be our Defensive Coordinator. "Ms. Walker... you know I'd do anything for you. Just say jump and I'll say how hi." (As you can imagine, I loooove Coach P.)

Our coaching staff now consisted of:

Ms. Walker - Head Coach
Ms. Art - Assistant Coach
Ms. B - Team Mom
Coach S - Offensive Coordiantor
Coach P - Defensive Coordinator

However, there were still a few things that needed to be taken care of. So I went to our Registrar, Ms. QB, and our Business Manager, Ms. W. Ms. QB has more spirit than anyone I know, and was also very involved in the Recreational Sports world in Washington, DC in a former life. She loves sports and has the hook up - she was just looking for a good sport to get involved in. Flag Football was it. Ms. W was also looking to get involved and knows a thing or two about football (she's a wild fan) so she was in. That left one position left... we needed someone who knew how to train people.

Naturally, I turned to my good friend Ms. L. She belongs to a Cross-Fit gym and is working on getting her Coaching Certification, so I figured who better to practice work outs on than some of our young ladies? When I approached Ms. L, I was trying to pep her up about the team and she looked disgruntled. I was confused. Some of her favourite students were planning on being on the team, she loved when we got new kids involved in activities, and she supports me in everything I do, so why did she look so irritated?

"Ms. Walker... that's fine and all. But my problem is that I'm not involved!"

Well then, Ms. L, this is going to work out for both of us! Obviously, she was elated to be named our Team Trainer. We were complete. Our coaching staff now consists of the following:


Coach Walker - Head Coach
Coach Art - Assistant Coach
Momma B - Team Mom
Coach S - Offensive Coordiantor
Coach P - Defensive Coordinator
Coach QB - Assistant Coach
Coach W - Assistant Coach
Coach L - Trainer

With 8 coaches, we were ready for the 20 girls that we will have on our roster come April 8th.

Now, you may be thinking that this is a bit ridiculous.

First of all, this is not that serious of a sport. We know that. But we figure the more fun people involved, the more fun the girls will have. Each one of these coaches is a complete blast, super supportive, looking to have a good time, but also can be serious if need be.

Also, too many hands in the pot can make things messy. While I am a firm believer in small and mighty, High School Girls are a strange breed of crazy. I (as well as my family, teachers, and friends) am still recovering from my teenage years. The more people there to cushion these ladies and support them, the better. Each adult has a very different personality, one that each girl on the team can mesh with, and this gives them more places to touch base and receive help and guidance from.

Now, what really doesn't make sense is that I do not know the first thing about flag football. Before this year, I didn't quite understand regular football that great. So why am I, of all people, the Head Coach?

There are very few things that would bring together the group of girls we have and this particular group of adults. Each one of the girls that is going to play for me has a unique contribution to the team. They come from all different cliques and grades, with varying interests and abilities. One or two of the adults on my coaching staff would talk on a regular basis, but all of them do not cross paths on a usual day, if not week. They each have a strong skill set that will benefit these ladies, and each of them is extremely good at what they do. In addition, they did not know before hand, but they all aligned on what a team's key values should be:

1. Humility
2. Sportsmanship
3. Dedication
4. FUN

While I may not know the sport, I do know what it means to be a team and a coach. I feel that I have brought together the strongest coaching staff our building has to offer. This is what makes me qualified to be Head Coach. I know how to say, "I know what needs to get done, but I don't know how to do it," and then find the best people who know how to do what needs to get done. Our young ladies need structure, guidance, and a fun way to be healthy. My coaching staff knows how to make that happen, in their own way, with their own skills. This will help us accomplish the ultimate goal of any sport...

HAVE FUN!


Even more awesome about this situation? I have the Digital Media Arts Club making a documentary about our season. It's going to be epic.

Fresh Start

Students and teachers are very lucky for many reasons... The most obvious being that we get 2 months off during summer. This is in addition to every random holiday under the sun. But outside of a sweet amount of vacation time, there is one special perk. We get the invigorating "fresh start" twice each school year. Once in the beginning, and once right now. It's a beautiful thing.

Today was many peoples' fresh start in my building. First off, let's look at why I needed a fresh start....

I was going 100 mph on an empty tank right before break. There was a day when second period rolled around and I just looked at my instructional aide, Ms. M, and said, "Oh my God.... Ms. M... I completely forgot about this class... I have nothing prepared." She just looked at me and said she would go grab the text book and we could make the best of it. Naturally, we powered through, but that was a serious wake up call to me that I needed a break... and sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.

Walking into my classes today, I was not only prepared with materials and lesson plans, but I felt mentally prepared to take on whatever came my way. When things were getting a little rowdy, I didn't emotionally shut down and feel like a failure. I was productive during my planning period, as well as after school, getting more work done today than I did in the three days before break. Not to mention I got to wear my hair down for the first time this school year. I was a wild woman today. On top of all of this, I was able to redesign my entire curriculum for the ID cluster over break, so they are going to get a better education for these last 6 months, guaranteed. #Winning.

Next, let's focus on my most truant students. I'm talking about my kids who come maybe once a month... some of them I haven't seen since October. Many of them showed up today. It was glorious. When AA walked into the classroom, I literally jumped up and down and nearly tackled him with a hug. He rolled his eyes with a "Good morning, Ms. Walker..." and sat down. I told him I was overjoyed to see him and it wasn't too late to pass for this quarter. He has a lot of make up work to do, but he can do it, and I'll happily help him. He looked at me with a smile and said,"I'm ready Ms. Walker... let's do this." He needed a fresh start.

There are many students who show up every day and get just as ragged as some of us teachers. It's hard work being a student. It's also hard work being an emotionally unstable student in a rather unstable environment. We have several of those kids, and they not only needed a break, they needed a do-over. One of my favourite ladies in my Algebra II class, AO, can get a bit testy. She's in school every day, and she comes to my class and does her best to greet me with a smile and a hug. Right before break, she was refusing to take notes, wouldn't put her music away, and frequently snapped at me uncontrollably. While this wasn't terribly out of character for her to other teachers, this was something I rarely experienced with AO. After 2 weeks off and the opportunity to start over, she was pleasant as a plum today in the hallway and in class. She greeted me with a big hug, an award winning smile, and completed all of her work while using her Ps & Qs. She needed a fresh start.

Lastly, there are those students who get cabin fever. Right before break there was a significant spike in suspensions at our school. While there are many things that can attribute to this, I mostly blame cabin fever. Everyone gets antsy, and then acts out. What better to help us forget these blips on the radar than 2 weeks off and a new set of resolutions? Several of my kiddos suffered the consequences of their cabin fever, and many of them had 3 weeks of vacation instead of just 2. Not only am I glad to see them back, but I'm glad they're getting a fresh start in 2013 after their rocky end of 2012.

These are just a few examples about the glory of the fresh start. Before the break many teachers and students were wondering how we were going to make it to June. I even wondered how I was going to make it to June.. and I LOVE my job. The December Doldrums are a scary time for many, but us educators are lucky enough to make it to the New Year and have a Second First Day of School. It looks a lot like the first day... just with a winter coat on. It looks like a hop in your step, a twinkle in your eye, and a sparkling smile. It looks like kids coming to school, teachers energized and excited, and administrators smiling. It looks like a new toy, ready to be played with.

Here's to the Fresh Start of 2013 that we all so desperately needed.

What does it mean to live?

I waste a lot of time on Facebook, especially around the holidays. I use the word waste because I usually read about a lot of things I genuinely don't care about, yet can't stop reading. The people who I care about most will tell me what is going on in their lives, so it's not their profiles that I look over when I'm on the book, which means I'm looking at peoples' profiles who I honestly don't really care about...

Anyways, while perusing profiles of people I don't really care that much for, I came across something that I enjoyed. This woman I knew in college posted a piece by George Carlin, of what he is calling a paradox. However, I felt it was more a set of contradictory thoughts, that lead us to the paradox that we should be moving forward, but we are actually standing still, if not moving backwards. Regardless, I felt it was a good bit to share.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgement; more experts, yet more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive to fast, get to angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love to seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes. These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodes, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember to say 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away.

Granted, the end gets a bit corny, but in general it does make you stop to think for a minute. What does it mean to live during our lifetime? What makes a full life?

I felt this was an interesting piece to come across after thinking about my resolutions, or will to be resolute, as it's important to be resolute about the right things. I looked back over my list of priorities (I prefer that to resolutions) and figure they do help me live a healthier lifestyle, but they don't all contribute to a more fulfilling life. I'm left pondering about a list that is more focused on ensuring that I live instead of change or improve. Yes, I would like to improve many things about myself, but I want to make sure that I am living a purposeful, driven life that is not only centered on myself, but others. Maybe if I come up with a list focused on living, I'll be more resolute about completing that list...