This past school year, I spent a significant amount of energy on a particular student, Dan (not his actual name). He had started out in the ID Cluster but was moved to general education classes to earn a diploma because he was mislabeled (sadly this is not terribly uncommon in DCPS) and wasn't actually ID. Not to mention, he didn't have adaptive deficits or anything that would really indicate an Intellectual Disability.
When Dan walked into my class two years ago, my life changed instantly. Because of him, I was introduced to gen ed kids, as well as the world of athletics at my school. Because of him, I was introduced into the world of AAU basketball, and I started giving kids rides to and from school. Because of him, I began tutoring students outside of the group of kids I taught, and ultimately started my after school tutoring program. Because of Dan, my professional trajectory has permanently changed.
I picked Dan up for school and brought him home. I went AAU games on weekends, often driving him to and from them wherever he was living that week. I picked up his calls when his parents didn't, and gave him rides home when others failed to do so. When his phone was turned off because his parents couldn't pay the bill, I pulled through so that I could contact him and his family to get him to and from school. I went to school sporting events that he (and other kids I supported) played in, and brought him to all the ones he didn't. We celebrated his birthday with a few other students that he is friends with and that I am close with. I spoke with his parents daily about his grades and behavior, keeping them informed about what was going on in school. When he was suspended, I was called into the office in order to contact family or to let me know that he wasn't to be brought to school. When teachers struggled with him in class, I was contacted to figure out how to help him be successful, or set up conferences with parents.
In short, I was Dan's primary care giver, as the person who spent the most time with him during the day and administered discipline for his actions. I fed him multiple meals a day, most days of the week, and made sure that he was in school and in uniform. At a ripe age of 25, I was a parent of a teenager.
Dan had a rough school year. His first year out of the cluster wasn't easy, but he made it through. His second year proved to be difficult, some argued too difficult, and his grades saw a steady decline, starting at Cs and Bs and ending with straight Fs. His behavior got worse throughout the year, and his suspensions became more frequent. By the end of the year, Dan was your typical struggling student in an inner city school. His goal is to be the first person in his family to get a High School Diploma, but he was slowly becoming a statistic.
Throughout the year, when he would get really frustrated, he would say that he was going to transfer to our rival high school, which is a few miles away. I took it personally when he said it, even though that wasn't the case. It wasn't about me, but it was really hard not to take it personally when I spent so much time taking care of Dan and I knew he wouldn't get the support he and his family clearly needed at the other school.
Towards the end of the year he started saying it more frequently and we finally had a conversation about it. He explained why he thought he would be more successful there (he can start over, he'll work harder, his cousins go there, etc.) and I explained why it wasn't likely that he would be successful (he will have to rebuild relationships with teachers which takes time, he could get lost in the middle since his misbehaviors aren't that bad, the school is notorious for allowing kids to walk the halls which he loves to do, etc.). We agreed to disagree, and we were both frustrated with the other.
Unfortunately, Dan was involved with the illegal incident that happened on the last day of school that I wrote about previously, and we finished the year on very uneven ground. I was extremely disappointed and upset, and he was in total denial that he had done anything wrong. A week later, he called me asking for a ride home because his dad was out of town and his mom was At the beginning of an 8 hour shift - he was in a bad spot because he was about to get in a fight with a boy who was at his cousin's house (where he was) that was picking with him and no one was helping stop it.
When I picked him up, we had a long chat about how I found out earlier in the day he had withdrawn from my school. He said that his mom was going to enroll him in the rival high school and he was going to get a fresh start. He claimed he was going to summer school so he could move on to the next grade, but I knew that he hadn't enrolled. With him transferring schools, I explained that all my parental actions were going to stop. I would no longer drive him to school. I am no longer his meal ticket. I am not going to pick up any calls after school hours. I would not attend his AAU games, and I would not shuttle him to and from practice. I would no longer pay his phone bill if his parents did not, as I won’t be keeping track of his attendance. In parenting terms, Dan was being cut off.
Dan understood. It made sense. He was actively going against my advice, and I wouldn't have any reason to be interacting with him. Even though I love him as my own, and I will always support him to do great things, I cannot continue to be his “parent” if he was not going to be under my "roof." We said good bye and I told him to stay in touch.
6 weeks passed until I heard from Dan. He messaged me on Facebook this evening, just to say hi. We chatted about summer and school this coming year. While saying our goodbyes, I got a bit teary:
Me: Ok - I'm going to bed - have fun with bball and keep out of trouble - don't be a stranger!
Dan: ok i love you ms.walker
Dan is not very emotional (I mean, he is a teenage boy), and almost never expressed any sentiment (positive or negative) towards me. Considering he didn't reach out to me for 6 weeks after we said goodbye and the longest I had gone without hearing from him was 4 days, I was concerned that all my best efforts made minimal impact in his life. It was nice to be wrong.
While I'm going to miss him a ton, I'm not going to lie, I'm looking forward to not being a parent this school year.
When Dan walked into my class two years ago, my life changed instantly. Because of him, I was introduced to gen ed kids, as well as the world of athletics at my school. Because of him, I was introduced into the world of AAU basketball, and I started giving kids rides to and from school. Because of him, I began tutoring students outside of the group of kids I taught, and ultimately started my after school tutoring program. Because of Dan, my professional trajectory has permanently changed.
I picked Dan up for school and brought him home. I went AAU games on weekends, often driving him to and from them wherever he was living that week. I picked up his calls when his parents didn't, and gave him rides home when others failed to do so. When his phone was turned off because his parents couldn't pay the bill, I pulled through so that I could contact him and his family to get him to and from school. I went to school sporting events that he (and other kids I supported) played in, and brought him to all the ones he didn't. We celebrated his birthday with a few other students that he is friends with and that I am close with. I spoke with his parents daily about his grades and behavior, keeping them informed about what was going on in school. When he was suspended, I was called into the office in order to contact family or to let me know that he wasn't to be brought to school. When teachers struggled with him in class, I was contacted to figure out how to help him be successful, or set up conferences with parents.
In short, I was Dan's primary care giver, as the person who spent the most time with him during the day and administered discipline for his actions. I fed him multiple meals a day, most days of the week, and made sure that he was in school and in uniform. At a ripe age of 25, I was a parent of a teenager.
Dan had a rough school year. His first year out of the cluster wasn't easy, but he made it through. His second year proved to be difficult, some argued too difficult, and his grades saw a steady decline, starting at Cs and Bs and ending with straight Fs. His behavior got worse throughout the year, and his suspensions became more frequent. By the end of the year, Dan was your typical struggling student in an inner city school. His goal is to be the first person in his family to get a High School Diploma, but he was slowly becoming a statistic.
Throughout the year, when he would get really frustrated, he would say that he was going to transfer to our rival high school, which is a few miles away. I took it personally when he said it, even though that wasn't the case. It wasn't about me, but it was really hard not to take it personally when I spent so much time taking care of Dan and I knew he wouldn't get the support he and his family clearly needed at the other school.
Towards the end of the year he started saying it more frequently and we finally had a conversation about it. He explained why he thought he would be more successful there (he can start over, he'll work harder, his cousins go there, etc.) and I explained why it wasn't likely that he would be successful (he will have to rebuild relationships with teachers which takes time, he could get lost in the middle since his misbehaviors aren't that bad, the school is notorious for allowing kids to walk the halls which he loves to do, etc.). We agreed to disagree, and we were both frustrated with the other.
Unfortunately, Dan was involved with the illegal incident that happened on the last day of school that I wrote about previously, and we finished the year on very uneven ground. I was extremely disappointed and upset, and he was in total denial that he had done anything wrong. A week later, he called me asking for a ride home because his dad was out of town and his mom was At the beginning of an 8 hour shift - he was in a bad spot because he was about to get in a fight with a boy who was at his cousin's house (where he was) that was picking with him and no one was helping stop it.
When I picked him up, we had a long chat about how I found out earlier in the day he had withdrawn from my school. He said that his mom was going to enroll him in the rival high school and he was going to get a fresh start. He claimed he was going to summer school so he could move on to the next grade, but I knew that he hadn't enrolled. With him transferring schools, I explained that all my parental actions were going to stop. I would no longer drive him to school. I am no longer his meal ticket. I am not going to pick up any calls after school hours. I would not attend his AAU games, and I would not shuttle him to and from practice. I would no longer pay his phone bill if his parents did not, as I won’t be keeping track of his attendance. In parenting terms, Dan was being cut off.
Dan understood. It made sense. He was actively going against my advice, and I wouldn't have any reason to be interacting with him. Even though I love him as my own, and I will always support him to do great things, I cannot continue to be his “parent” if he was not going to be under my "roof." We said good bye and I told him to stay in touch.
6 weeks passed until I heard from Dan. He messaged me on Facebook this evening, just to say hi. We chatted about summer and school this coming year. While saying our goodbyes, I got a bit teary:
Me: Ok - I'm going to bed - have fun with bball and keep out of trouble - don't be a stranger!
Dan: ok i love you ms.walker
Dan is not very emotional (I mean, he is a teenage boy), and almost never expressed any sentiment (positive or negative) towards me. Considering he didn't reach out to me for 6 weeks after we said goodbye and the longest I had gone without hearing from him was 4 days, I was concerned that all my best efforts made minimal impact in his life. It was nice to be wrong.
While I'm going to miss him a ton, I'm not going to lie, I'm looking forward to not being a parent this school year.
