This is all YOUR FAULT

There are many things that I hear teachers say each day that are inappropriate.

"Child, please."
"Little boy/girl, who do you think you're talking to like that??"
"You better take a step back before you get what's coming to you."
"I know you're going to have sex. Just don't be stupid. Because if you get her pregnant... I'm gonna cut off your penis. I'm not kidding, I have scissors upstairs."
"I'm going to poke you in the eyeball if you keep doing that."
"No, I don't have to like you. I have to educate you. These two things are not dependent upon one another."
"You are a hot mess. Get it together."
"I'm going to give you a wet willy if you don't stop it!"

The list goes on.

The majority of these comments are not harmful, many said amidst playful banter. However, there is the occasional inappropriate comment that cuts a little too deep. Those are the ones that ring in my head much longer than the funny ones.

"That baby right there is special ed. He need Ms. Walker's help." (Yelled in a hallway)
"They have special schools for kids like you. Weren't you there before? Why don't you go back there - you're clearly not doing well here."
"You are just a bad kid. Go home."
"Why are you even here??"
"I'm quitting because I can't go home angry anymore because of you guys and take it out on my fiancé."

Let me repeat that last one...

"I'm quitting because I can't go home angry anymore because of you guys and take it out on my fiancé."


Let me take you back to last Wednesday when I was having a conversation with AR.

AR: Ms. Walker, my teacher's quitting.
Me: No she's not. I would have heard about this.
AR: I've been telling you this for weeks. Why don't you believe me? Ms. Walker, I'm telling you, Ms. H is quitting. Her last day is Friday.
Me: Ummm.... Actually, that does sound like something I read on one of her Facebook statuses. Did she explain what happened?
AR: Yeah. She said that she can't take the emotional part of it. We make her go home all angry or some shit and then she takes it out on her fiancé. We're hurting her relationship with him or something, so she's choosing him over us.
Me: That's not a nice thing to say AR. Please don't go around spreading that lie.
AR: Who's lying!? That's what she said to our class. We're making her all emotional and she can't handle it.
Me: ..... uhhhh.....
AR: Yeah! That shit's fucked up!
Me: Watch your language... but yes, that is definitely not appropriate for her to say that to you.
AR: I'm thinking she just got another job but wanted to make us feel bad...
Me: Umm... yeah... maybe that's it?

There are many things wrong with this situation. Instead of dissecting all of them, I'm going to discuss the most obvious problem: Why am I hearing about a teacher quitting via Facebook???

Just kidding. While it is extremely inappropriate to be celebrating your upcoming departure from your current job through social media, that is not the worst part of that conversation. The worst part is that a teacher, whether it is true or not, blamed children for her problems with her partner.

I have had many conversations with people, both in my profession and outside of it, about how emotionally taxing my job is. It is very hard to walk into an abrasive environment everyday where there is a decent chance someone will yell curses at me, be extremely disrespectful to me, or I hear a story about a child that is heartbreaking. It takes a significant amount of effort to leave all of my day behind when I go home and just chat with friends or unwind by myself. I often talk to people about my day, sharing both the good and the bad, but I don't get angry at them for what I endured that day. I know that it is important for my personal relationships to keep my anger about work, at work. Just like it is important to keep my anger about personal things outside of work.

While this is not an easy task, it is extremely necessary in order to maintain healthy and functional work environment as well as a personal life. When I am not taking care of myself, the two start to seep into one another and the lines are blurred, and therefore my personal and professional lives suffer. It happens every so often (I am human after all) but I recognize the problem and correct it as quickly and swiftly as possible.

What I do not do, under any circumstance, is blame a child for this breakdown in boundaries. Here is a nice, itemized list of reasons why I do not do this:

1. It is not the child's fault, it is mine.
2. If the child has not entered my personal life, then they could not have been the one to ruin it.
3a. Telling a group of children who are frequently told that most things wrong around them is their fault when it is not is generally frowned upon.
3b. It is also ethically and fundamentally wrong.
4. It is your choice to be upset about what a child says or does. If you choose to be upset and choose to let it enter your personal life, that is not the child's fault for entering your personal life, it is your fault.
5. You can blame a child for being disrespectful and rude to you. You cannot blame a child for how you react to that behavior. One must take responsibility for their actions regardless of the cause.
6. Blaming people for something that is a fault within yourself is immature and poor modeling for the students.
7. Even if I did have a boyfriend, it is likely that I would lie and say that I don't. Cleaner boundary. Thus no issue of telling them that I take my anger out from work on my boyfriend. (I recognize this is a personal preference.)

I could continue with my reasons for not blaming personal issues on students, but I have a feeling you get the idea that this is wildly inappropriate.

The question is, how do you punish someone for being inappropriate with children? As I pointed out earlier, there are many inappropriate comments said every day, in clear earshot of superiors/administrators. Is it fair to say one thing is more inappropriate than another, or is inappropriate a black and white subject? And if someone does go way beyond the line of acceptable, and they're quitting, what can you do?

Unfortunately, any and all reactions to these comments are not going to take away the comment. The damage has already been done. We can explain to the kids "No, that's not what they meant..." or "That was really inappropriate... that person was being a bad role model..." but we can't take back the sting of IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! Kids don't forget that kind of thing...

As my friend Ms. B says, "[Teachers,] I need you to do better." 

Ignorance: The 14th Disability Classification

There are 13 disability classifications that are recognized under IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act):

1. Autism (AUT)

2. Deafness (Deaf)

3. Developmental Delay (DD)

4. Emotional/Behavioral Disability (EBD or ED)

5. Hearing Impairment (HI)

6. Intellectual Disability (ID)

7. Multiple Disabilities (MD)

8. Orthopedic Impairment (OI)

9. Other Health Impairment (OHI)

10. Specific Learning Disability (SLD)

11. Speech and/or Language Impairment (SLI)

12. Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)

13. Visual Impairment, including Blindness (VI, Blind)

There are many serious debates about other disability classifications, and if there should be more than 13. For example, Specific Learning Disability is an extraordinarily broad category. The definition of SLD is as follows:

…means a disorder in one or more of the basic psychological processes involved in understanding or in using language, spoken or written, that may manifest itself in the imperfect ability to listen, think, speak, read, write, spell, or to do mathematical calculations. The term includes such conditions as perceptual disabilities, brain injury, minimal brain dysfunction, dyslexia, and developmental aphasia. The term does not include learning problems that are primarily the result of visual, hearing, or motor disabilities; of mental retardation; of emotional disturbance; or of environmental, cultural, or economic disadvantage.

http://nichcy.org/disability/categories#ld

So, in short, if a student is not fulfilling their expected potential in a given area, or several, they are considered to have a learning disability. This includes discalcula, the numerical form of dyslexia. This includes a dyslexia. This includes a student who cannot decode unfamiliar words due to a breakdown in their ability to separate phonemes. This includes a student who cannot comprehend text by only reading it. This includes a student who can articulate their thoughts beautifully when speaking but is completely unable to connect their sentences when writing. This includes just about anything.

It would make my job a lot easier to create sub-categories for SLD, as well as for OI, TBI, SLI, and EBD, but you can't win them all.

On a less serious note, I've been considering what the most common disability at my school is amongst the general population to determine what 14th disability classification could explain the underachieving status of our student population. Some teachers think social-awkwardness should be the 14th. While there is a good argument for that as a disability, I feel that when the awkwardness is severe enough, it tends to be related to Autism in the form of Aspergers. So I decided that couldn't be it.

Another teacher thought being a product of poor parenting could be the 14th. Kids who were raised by totally nutter parents have turned into nuts themselves. They can be wild and crazy, irritable, irrational, and are often not meeting their potential and actively preventing others from meeting their's. However, this was not consistent enough across children raised by crazy parents, as there were several students who's parent(s) I met and the adult was bonkers but the kid was average/normal/similar to the general population of my school. Therefore, I decided this wasn't consistent enough for us to determine it a disability.

I started thinking about some of our brightest kids and questioned what separated them from your "average" or even "above average" teenager. That's when it hit me. Yes, they weren't meeting their full potential, but not in the way as described by SLD. They just didn't know what they were supposed to. General ignorance. They don't know basic protocol in both social and academic situations as they haven't been formally taught it or it hasn't been continually reinforced. Let's take a look at some examples of the 14th disability classification: Ignorance.

Exhibit A: Our students were on a field trip with some teachers two years ago. They were driving on North Capitol St. when a student asked Mr. B, "What's that building up there?" The student then pointed to the United States Capitol. This student lives about 2 miles away from this global icon of the United States. This is a very bright student who does well in his classes. Why is he performing below the majority of his same-age peers in wealthier districts? Many reasons. But I blame the 14th disability, Ignorance.

Exhibit B: A teacher was in his class, greeting students as they walked in. One student walked into the room with a band-aid on his forehead. Concerned, Mr. P asked the student what happened, to which the student replied, "Mr. P, I got a headache, so I put it on to make me feel better." When Mr. P tried to explain that a band-aid won't help his head and to try some Tylenol, the student got very irritated and yelled, "Mr. P, don't you know anything?? I've done this before to make me feel better so leave me alone!!!" Why does this student seem to think that a band-aid is the answer for a headache? Ignorance Disability. He know's that band-aids make things better, so why not headaches? Lacking some crucial knowledge there, pal. 

Exhibit C: My kids don't usually bring up my race unless it is paired with a completely ignorant, stereotyping, borderline racist comment. They aren't aware that what they're saying is offensive, and I always immediately say "ignorant" when they say these comments. Sometimes they'll stop and figure out why it was a completely ignorant statement, but occasionally they aren't able to figure out why it was an ignorant comment. This ranges from, "When they started fighting, you acted like such a white girl... 'Boys, please stop. This isn't worth fighting over.' Only white people say that..." to "You were just like a white person, I popped out and you scream 'Oh my Jesus!'. Who does that? Only white people...." to "White people can do that... they can run through the arctic and not feel nothin'! It's because they're skin is white, just like snow." After this last comment was made, I asked them what made them think their white skin had anything to do with withstanding colder temperatures. They explained that you never see a black person just going for a jog, especially when it's cold outside. Therefore, it must be because of the white pigment in a persons skin that enables them to withstand cold temperatures. Hmm... interesting theory, but I have a feeling that this is just another case of Ignorance Disability. They have only seen white people run in the cold, therefore it must have something to do with their skin, not their lack of exposure to runners in their community.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think my students are stupid. Some of my brightest kids said these things. They have an incredible ability to learn new information quickly, and they have decent critical thinking skills. The primary issue is their lack of knowledge, or exposure to different experiences. Without knowing important common knowledge, they end up performing far below other students who are their same-age counterparts in more knowledgable areas. 

There are many factors that contribute to this ignorance. It's not always by choice, which is what I thought ignorance was. Whenever I called someone ignorant while growing up, I said it to a person who I felt should have known better, and thus was choosing to lack specific knowledge and sound stupid, or unaware. For example, I chose to be ignorant to politics in the Middle-East while I was growing up because I felt it was irrelevant (not true) and overwhelming (true). When people spoke about the subject, I explained that I hadn't read up on it and was rather ignorant to the topic. I never thought that ignorance could be forced upon someone if you just deprive them the opportunity to attain the information. This is probably because I never thought you could deprive someone of information in the United States - this isn't China or the Congo. I was ignorant.

Instead of blaming the parents, the community, the school system, the student, the teacher, the nation for these children not knowing the necessary knowledge, it's much easier to say Ignorance is their primary disability. The causing factors are numerous, are as the factors that can cause other disabilities. It's much easier to say, "Johnny has an Intellectual Disability" than to say, "Well, Johnny's mom was using addictive drugs while she was pregnant with him so that affected his brain development. His IQ is below 70 and he has adaptive deficits that effect his everyday functioning. He is able to learn how to read up to a 5th grade level, hopefully, and can perform basic math using a calculator. He won't be able to perform higher order thinking tasks that require analysis and synthesis, but this won't prevent him from holding a stable job that will help him contribute to supporting him when he's older." 

There's just something more simple about explaining a complex situation with a disability classification. So therefore, I propose the 14th disability:

Ignorance: a disability caused by a person not receiving necessary information during the developmental and primary educational period that would enable them to participate appropriately in society and up to national norms academically, socially, and behaviorally throughout their life. This disability is treated through intense wraparound educational services, and exposure to various environments, cultures, and academic content. With proper supports, this disability can be overcome and easily hidden from others by the person affected.

I find it my duty, as both a special educator and a civil servant, to eradicate this disability amongst our brightest school children, no matter their circumstance.

Stability Amidst the Unpredictable

It's impressive what these kids go through. The frequency at which they move around rivals that of military families. The adults who take care of them seem to shift on a monthly, or sometimes weekly basis. Knowing where their next meal will come from is sometimes a mystery. Who they can trust shifts with the weather. At least one of their teachers misses a day of school each week. At least 2-3 weeks of each month is a short school week due to a holiday or teacher professional development. It is nearly impossible to set a routine for any of the students in my school, there are just too many moving parts.

I can't imagine having that be my life as a teenager. I always knew where my parents were. I always knew where my teachers were. I always knew when Model UN practice was, I knew when my athletic events were, I knew where practice was and what time I needed to be there. I knew when play rehearsal was, I knew when choral practice was, I knew what time dinner was and where I was having it. I knew who my friends were, the good and the bad, and I knew the boys I liked didn't have real skeletons in their closets. The only thing I didn't know was what to wear everyday.

As a creature of habit, it's crucial for my mental stability to know when things are happening, where, and with who. I don't enjoy surprises, or more accurately, the unexpected. Bumping into people at the mall makes my palms sweat. Losing power makes my heart stop. Clicks in the wall from air conditioning make my stomach come up to my throat. While I try constantly to be prepared for anything and everything, I have a hard time handling the little unexpected things in life.

Realizing how important it was to me to know where everyone was at all times, when events were going to happen, and what I was supposed to be doing, I decided to be a sliver of stability amidst the unpredictable lives of my students. It started out as little things during my first year. I always brought applesauce for MB in my lunch box. SM always got my grapes. AN always got a cup of peanut butter. I went to every football game to cheer on DB, event hough he sat on the bench most of the season, it didn't matter. I vowed to be there every day, and would always teach them. I gave them as much notice as possible for when I had meetings, and saw them off at the busses every afternoon, rain or shine.

During my second year, these stability commitments grew. I always had food for those who missed breakfast. I promised MD that I would have orange juice and pop tarts for him if he came before 9am. I promised DO I would come to his 4th period class at 3:15p to review his behavior for the day and bring a reward if he met expectations. Whenever DB walked into my room, I promised her my attention, no matter what was going on, as long as she walked in appropriately. I began going to basketball games to cheer on DR, as I promised not to miss a minute of him playing. When he made varsity, I told him I would be at every game to cheer on him and DO. When the kids asked for materials, I brought them, as I promised them I would make sure they could learn and had what they needed, no matter what. When Sprint Football came around in the spring, the boys asked me to come to their games, and for rides home, and so I brought DO, MD, DT, and DR to and from, making sure they were there, on time, fed, and ready to play so they could be their best. When DO needed a good swift kick in the butt, I gave it to him. I continued to come every day possible, and only missed school when it was beyond my control. They continued to get advanced notice of meetings so they knew where I was and saw them off at the busses every day, rain or shine.

Now in my third year, the stability seems to have grown to a much deeper level. In the beginning of the year, DO was bopping between his mother's apartment and his dad's girlfriend's apartment. He didn't know where he was going to sleep each night, as it depended on what the adults felt like that day. They may have had a schedule planned out, but DO didn't know it and I couldn't figure out the pattern. His cell phone got turned off for a brief period, and his parents couldn't pay it for one reason or another. I couldn't keep track or where he was so I could pick him up for school, so I paid his phone bill. His grades suffered, he had a hard time staying awake in class, and he wasn't getting his homework done. I hadn't told his teachers what was going on because I didn't know if he felt comfortable with me sharing. After a few weeks, his teachers were getting very frustrated with him and expressed their concern. I explained he's had a hard time at home and his life is really unstable at the moment. I suggested we have a meeting to address the concerns and they all agreed. At the meeting, we discussed that his parents need to provide more structure, and that he needs to stay at one apartment during the school week. I told the teachers I would talk to the parents and figure something out. After meeting with his mom, she said that he would be staying with her from then on during the week and see his father on the weekends. This worked well until his mother moved to a new apartment that didn't have enough room for him, so he moved back into his father's girlfriend's apartment across town. I told his parents I would help out with transportation to make sure he could get to/from school. Thankfully, he's getting better grades and I spend lots of time sleeping on weekends.
In the beginning of the year when I was setting up the afterschool program, I had many meetings during odd times of the day when I would usually be teaching. This caused me to have to leave the classroom at random times and have my aide, Ms. C, take over the lesson. She's an excellent teacher, so I wasn't worried about the quality of instruction. I didn't think the kids would mind since they enjoy things being mixed up every once in a while. However, it was brought to my attention after a month or so of this that it wasn't alright for me to leave. Every time I walk out of the classroom, there is an uproar of, "Why are you always leaving us?" or "What do you need to do NOW?" or "Why do you always have meetings? Don't they know you're a TEACHER?" It broke my heart. I had broken my promise. I told them I would TEACH them every day. I told them I would be there, in my classroom, leading them down the road to reading. They expected me to be the rock in their day, what they could always count on to be there and be exactly the same if not better. This grew into attending sporting events. I missed half of a girls game and half of a boys game one evening because I had a dinner I needed to attend. I left half way through the girls game and went to dinner, then returned during the second half of the boys game. When the boys got in the car to go home, they talked about different things that happened during the game. At one point, MD says, "Ms. Walka, you should have seen it! I dominated! But you weren't there...." I was crushed. MD's parents never come to games, never see him play. I was the parent there for him. I was his biggest fan. And I had let him down. I thought they wouldn't notice that I was gone for half the game, but they were keenly aware of my location... which was not in that gym.

I could give infinite examples of how they counted on me to be the parent, the rock of their life. Many of them have wonderful, loving parents that just can't be there or be that rock. They work long hours, they move around a lot due to low wages, they can't get to the school because they don't have bus money, they have other kids that they need to take care of at home. So they ask me how the game went, how did their son/daughter do in school today, what does their child need? Because they expect me to be the rock in their child's life, the stable point on the horizon. I didn't realize my role had grown beyond teacher, it had turned into something way past education.

I can't remember every soccer game, basketball game, or lacrosse game that my mother was at, but I can remember the ones that she missed. The ones where I looked to the side line and couldn't find her. She always told me when she couldn't be there, but it didn't ease the pain. I wanted her to see me. Although she wasn't there in person, she was definitely there in spirit, cheering the loudest out of everyone else. She was at every school play, choral concert, speech contest, dance recital, and poetry contest. She clapped the hardest, cheered the loudest, and smiled the brightest. At least she did to me.

I know it made all the difference to have a rock like my mother in my life. It gave me the confidence to speak louder. It gave me the confidence to sing freer. It gave me the confidence to take risks and not be afraid to fall. It gave me the confidence to be me, because I knew that my rock was there, forever loving me for everything and anything I was. I could be a truly free spirit as long as I had my rock in my life.

It's important, while dancing, to find a point to focus on when you need to spot - if you don't spot you lose your balance and fall. Similarly, I hear if you don't keep your eye on the horizon you can get sea sick. I hope to be that steady, unwavering point for my students - because sea sickness is just the worst.