I felt this was an appropriate metaphor for my life at the moment, considering Sandy's visit to Washington, DC has caused significant flooding.
(All jokes aside, I hope that everyone is safe, sound, and dry in their homes.)
My life has a variety of challenges at the moment: I have a new set of classes this year, in addition to my old classes. I have become the de-facto after school coordinator for my school, and receive a constant stream of letters, emails, and phone calls relating to programs that want to get involved with our students. I have 48+ students who I am responsible for implementing their IEP goals, and for 14 of them I am their case manager. I manage a functioning Athletic Study Hall program that has tutors from 2 universities and 1 tutoring program that provides services for over 100 students and am expected to keep track of student progress and ensure our athletes are provided support in order to maintain a 2.0+ GPA. I have become the person who sorts out logistics for our cluster programming, but it's a hot button for some that I do it so I have to keep it hush hush.
Despite all of these responsibilities, my sole title at my school is Special Education Teacher. It is not Special Education Teacher & Cluster Planner & Case Manager & After School Coordinator & Athletic Academic Coordinator.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the head coach for a U-11 Girls soccer team? But that's not at school, so I guess I can't add that to my faux title.
I am lucky to get 4 hours of sleep a night. It's a special day when Starbucks hasn't been the sole provider of my meals. I came home before 8:30pm on a school night 2 times in the past 2 months. The word "exercise" has not been uttered since August. I went through a 2 week period where I couldn't raise my voice above a talking volume due to overuse. My cats have taken to sleeping on top of my face because they are angry that I'm never home.
I know. I need to take a break. I need to step back and figure out my priorities. You're not the first to think or say that to me. I've been hearing it for years. As my kids put it, "You doin' too much, Ms. Walka."
I'm fully aware that I'm doing too much. So I tried to pull out of things, but that doesn't always happen.
1. I told the soccer league that I coach for that I cannot coach in the spring. This is very sad because I love coaching, especially this group of girls, but I can not commit to weekends. It's just too much.
2. I attempted to have an administrator take over the after school programming piece and have them take the phone calls from the various organizations. Unfortunately, everything is still being forwarded to my email/cell phone.
3. I stopped going to Starbucks 5 days a week. I now only go once a week and I only buy my coffee and breakfast. However, I have started going to the Corner Bakery 2-3 times a week. Regardless, I stopped buying lunch from coffee shops.
4. I make an effort to leave the school building during the day twice a week. I'm usually walking to Subway with my coworkers, or by myself, but it's a nice little escape. Plus I get some lunch out of it which is nice.
5. I attempted to not be the person who does logistics for our cluster program. By attempted I mean that I did not do the logistics for a "funky schedule day" and then waited until the day fell to shambles. It was ultimately more frustrating and time consuming to not do the work than to do the planning. So... fail.
6. I met with our athletic administrators and attempted to get them to take more responsibility for the academic component of our athletics program. I also met with our principal in order to set up a meeting to reinforce that I am not the person responsible for ANYTHING in our athletics department. I requested this meeting 2 weeks ago. This meeting has yet to be scheduled by the administrators involved.
7. I've met with multiple mentors to improve my classroom instruction and the efficiency of my planning. I have received a boat load of resources, but they're all soft copies. It wasn't until 2 days ago that I could print at school (we have run out of toner and it's not in the budget for us to get any soon) so that left me with great resources that I couldn't use... At least I get to start using those soon!
I'm sure there are a few other things I attempted to pass to other people or get help with and failed, because I'm not only right where I started, but I'm deeper than before. I'm not trying to make it sound as though I'm the saving grace of my school, or that no one else can do what I do, because I KNOW there are PLENTY of people who can do all the things that I do. We are blessed to have many competent and capable people working within our school walls. So what is the problem? Why am I still doing all of these things that my intelligent and talented coworkers could be doing?
Maybe it's because I have shown that I am always going to make it work. It's easier to push it off onto Ms. Walker's plate than to keep it on their own or take on something new. Maybe their plate is full and I don't know it. Maybe their plate is smaller, so less can fit on it. Maybe my plate is really the entire dinner table. Maybe it's because my fellow coworkers know a thing or two about portion control and I don't.
Whatever the case is, I'm still stuck here, treading water in a weighted vest. On the bright side, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Maybe everyone is waiting for me to drown and then they'll take on a few things. Why make your life harder or more complicated if someone else is willing and/or able to do it? That means I need to learn how to just let go and let things fall apart for a minute. It's just that drowning is such a scary thought.
One of my favourite movies is The Prestige. It's a movie about two magicians from the turn of the 20th century and the rivalry that forms between them. I'm a sucker for magic. It gives you this hope in the impossible. Magic makes you think that a person can do anything, even make things disappear. When I make "the impossible" happen at school, people will often ask, "How did you do that??" and I always enjoy replying with, "Magic." I know no one believes me, but it's not that they need to believe that I'm magical, but it does make them question what I am capable of doing.
Unfortunately, when I explain how I do things by stating that it's magic, I let people off the hook of knowing how to do it themselves, or how to figure it out.
"Now you're looking for the secret. But you won't find it because of course, you're not really looking. You don't really want to work it out. You want to be fooled."
Everyone wants to be fooled. Maybe that's why people don't want to take on the things I'm trying to pass. Whenever I respond with "magic", the only people who push to find out more are the students. The adults just shrug off the answer and don't ask further questions. It's nice to think that these programs just exist in our building, not that they take an extensive amount of work (and time) to function.
In The Prestige, people drown due to "magic" gone wrong. It is the description of drowning from this movie that leaves me terrified to let things go and just drown under the pressure...
Cutter: I knew a sailor once, got tangled in the rigging. We pulled him out, but it took him five minutes to cough. He said it was like going home.
**********************
Cutter: Take a minute to consider your achievement. I once told you about a sailor who drowned.
Robert Angier: Yes, he said it was like going home.
Cutter: I lied. He said it was agony.
(All jokes aside, I hope that everyone is safe, sound, and dry in their homes.)
My life has a variety of challenges at the moment: I have a new set of classes this year, in addition to my old classes. I have become the de-facto after school coordinator for my school, and receive a constant stream of letters, emails, and phone calls relating to programs that want to get involved with our students. I have 48+ students who I am responsible for implementing their IEP goals, and for 14 of them I am their case manager. I manage a functioning Athletic Study Hall program that has tutors from 2 universities and 1 tutoring program that provides services for over 100 students and am expected to keep track of student progress and ensure our athletes are provided support in order to maintain a 2.0+ GPA. I have become the person who sorts out logistics for our cluster programming, but it's a hot button for some that I do it so I have to keep it hush hush.
Despite all of these responsibilities, my sole title at my school is Special Education Teacher. It is not Special Education Teacher & Cluster Planner & Case Manager & After School Coordinator & Athletic Academic Coordinator.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the head coach for a U-11 Girls soccer team? But that's not at school, so I guess I can't add that to my faux title.
I am lucky to get 4 hours of sleep a night. It's a special day when Starbucks hasn't been the sole provider of my meals. I came home before 8:30pm on a school night 2 times in the past 2 months. The word "exercise" has not been uttered since August. I went through a 2 week period where I couldn't raise my voice above a talking volume due to overuse. My cats have taken to sleeping on top of my face because they are angry that I'm never home.
I know. I need to take a break. I need to step back and figure out my priorities. You're not the first to think or say that to me. I've been hearing it for years. As my kids put it, "You doin' too much, Ms. Walka."
I'm fully aware that I'm doing too much. So I tried to pull out of things, but that doesn't always happen.
1. I told the soccer league that I coach for that I cannot coach in the spring. This is very sad because I love coaching, especially this group of girls, but I can not commit to weekends. It's just too much.
2. I attempted to have an administrator take over the after school programming piece and have them take the phone calls from the various organizations. Unfortunately, everything is still being forwarded to my email/cell phone.
3. I stopped going to Starbucks 5 days a week. I now only go once a week and I only buy my coffee and breakfast. However, I have started going to the Corner Bakery 2-3 times a week. Regardless, I stopped buying lunch from coffee shops.
4. I make an effort to leave the school building during the day twice a week. I'm usually walking to Subway with my coworkers, or by myself, but it's a nice little escape. Plus I get some lunch out of it which is nice.
5. I attempted to not be the person who does logistics for our cluster program. By attempted I mean that I did not do the logistics for a "funky schedule day" and then waited until the day fell to shambles. It was ultimately more frustrating and time consuming to not do the work than to do the planning. So... fail.
6. I met with our athletic administrators and attempted to get them to take more responsibility for the academic component of our athletics program. I also met with our principal in order to set up a meeting to reinforce that I am not the person responsible for ANYTHING in our athletics department. I requested this meeting 2 weeks ago. This meeting has yet to be scheduled by the administrators involved.
7. I've met with multiple mentors to improve my classroom instruction and the efficiency of my planning. I have received a boat load of resources, but they're all soft copies. It wasn't until 2 days ago that I could print at school (we have run out of toner and it's not in the budget for us to get any soon) so that left me with great resources that I couldn't use... At least I get to start using those soon!
I'm sure there are a few other things I attempted to pass to other people or get help with and failed, because I'm not only right where I started, but I'm deeper than before. I'm not trying to make it sound as though I'm the saving grace of my school, or that no one else can do what I do, because I KNOW there are PLENTY of people who can do all the things that I do. We are blessed to have many competent and capable people working within our school walls. So what is the problem? Why am I still doing all of these things that my intelligent and talented coworkers could be doing?
Maybe it's because I have shown that I am always going to make it work. It's easier to push it off onto Ms. Walker's plate than to keep it on their own or take on something new. Maybe their plate is full and I don't know it. Maybe their plate is smaller, so less can fit on it. Maybe my plate is really the entire dinner table. Maybe it's because my fellow coworkers know a thing or two about portion control and I don't.
Whatever the case is, I'm still stuck here, treading water in a weighted vest. On the bright side, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Maybe everyone is waiting for me to drown and then they'll take on a few things. Why make your life harder or more complicated if someone else is willing and/or able to do it? That means I need to learn how to just let go and let things fall apart for a minute. It's just that drowning is such a scary thought.
One of my favourite movies is The Prestige. It's a movie about two magicians from the turn of the 20th century and the rivalry that forms between them. I'm a sucker for magic. It gives you this hope in the impossible. Magic makes you think that a person can do anything, even make things disappear. When I make "the impossible" happen at school, people will often ask, "How did you do that??" and I always enjoy replying with, "Magic." I know no one believes me, but it's not that they need to believe that I'm magical, but it does make them question what I am capable of doing.
Unfortunately, when I explain how I do things by stating that it's magic, I let people off the hook of knowing how to do it themselves, or how to figure it out.
"Now you're looking for the secret. But you won't find it because of course, you're not really looking. You don't really want to work it out. You want to be fooled."
Everyone wants to be fooled. Maybe that's why people don't want to take on the things I'm trying to pass. Whenever I respond with "magic", the only people who push to find out more are the students. The adults just shrug off the answer and don't ask further questions. It's nice to think that these programs just exist in our building, not that they take an extensive amount of work (and time) to function.
In The Prestige, people drown due to "magic" gone wrong. It is the description of drowning from this movie that leaves me terrified to let things go and just drown under the pressure...
Cutter: I knew a sailor once, got tangled in the rigging. We pulled him out, but it took him five minutes to cough. He said it was like going home.
**********************
Cutter: Take a minute to consider your achievement. I once told you about a sailor who drowned.
Robert Angier: Yes, he said it was like going home.
Cutter: I lied. He said it was agony.
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