When I feel an extreme emotion (happy, sad, excited, frustrated, angry, scared, etc.) I have two possible reactions.
1. Laugh
2. Cry
The reaction is dependent on the situation, as well as the severity. For my most intense emotions, I cry.
This evening we had a situation where two students got into a fight. The problem with this was it was me, 4 students (2 of which were the ones fighting) and a security guard.
The long story short is that these two students were on the verge of strangling one another (literally) and I was doing everything in my power to keep them separated until other adults showed up. While I was doing this, I was getting punched, pushed, smacked, kicked, you name it. These boys are not small either. Thankfully they aren't taller than me, but they are significantly stronger than me.
Everyone is fine. A few bumps, bruises, and scratches, but nothing serious. However, when me and another adult finally got the boys separated, the other adult got one boy outside while I had the other pinned against a piece of furniture. I wasn't moving, I was out of breath, and two boys who had shown up in the midst of the fight kept saying, "Ms. Walker, are you ok?! Let go. We've got him. You can let go. Are you hurt??"
I let go. They grabbed the boy. All 3 looked at me. I walked to the other side of a door and began hyperventilating and crying. They all froze on the other side of the door. They could see me through the window, and several of the boys froze.
Ms. Walker is crying.
Shit.
We really messed up this time...
This was the expression on everyone's face, except one.
The boy who got into the fight. The one that had hit me. Pushed me. Shoved me. Nearly cost me my job.
He continued to pace around the hallway, separated from everyone else. The other two boys opened the door and asked if I was ok. I couldn't speak. I told the boy who got into the fight to come up with me to my classroom. One of his friends met us and talked to him as I walked and sobbed my way to my classroom.
I got some water for me and the boy. I was shaking. My breathing sounded like a standard car with a broken gear shift. My eyes looked as though I was having some type of allergic reaction.
But that didn't matter. The boy was busy with his phone, texting and reading Facebook posts.
DO, a child that many refer to as my son, walks in and stops.
DO: Ms. Walka... you ok?
Me: I'll be alright.
DO: Are you sure??
I nod my head and I try to take a deep breath and fail.
He sits down and just stares at me. I put my head back in my hands and try to stop crying. But I can't. I'm too angry. I'm too hurt. I'm too disappointed.
I'm feeling way too much.
The other teacher calls.
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm just shook up at the moment. I'll be ok."
"Alright, I have some boys here for you."
"Yeah, i’m their ride. I’ll let their parents know we’re running late."
"Ok, let me know if you need anything."
"Sounds good. I'm holding onto one of them for a minute so we can keep distance between them. Let V go."
"I hear ya. See you in a few."
I'm breathing more evenly. I still have tears coming down my face and I hide my face to try and keep the kids from seeing how I look.
DO: Ms. Walka... you gotta stop crying.
Me: I know. I'm trying.
DO: I don't like it. Can you stop?
Me: Honestly? I'm not sure.
DO: Oh...
I finally get myself together enough to walk downstairs. Every time someone tries to talk to me, tears stream down my face. The other teacher, who asks if I'm ok, causes me to collapse into his arms. CM, who asks me to drive him somewhere inconvenient, pushes me to yell at the top of my lungs and hyperventilate. (He also stole $60 from me the other day and he doesn't know that I found out about 3 hours earlier...)
CM: Ms. Walker, they're not home.
Me: What would you like me to do about it??
CM: Can you drive me to my brother's house?
Me: You know what? No. I can't. I am tired. It's Friday night. I just got the shit kicked out of me and I want to go home. Your friend's house is no where close to anywhere I'm going right now. So, no. I can't.
CM: But–
Me: No. No "but". This is not my problem. You can figure it out. I want to go home.
CM: Ok...
I am full on crying again. Breathing like I have asthma. Coughing as though I have emphysema. The other 3 boys Look at each other and then to me, not sure what to do.
DO: Ms. Walka, you should really stop crying.
Me: I'm sorry - I'm trying.
I drop of MD. "I hope you sleep well, Ms. Walker."
I drop of AR. "You gonna be alright, Ms. Walker? Make sure you get some sleep."
As I'm driving DO home, we get to a stop light and I look at him. He looks back at me and frowns. He goes back and forth between my eyes, having a hard time processing what I look like. He looks down, and holds up his fist to pound [read:sign of affection].
Me: I'm really sorry that you had to see me cry like this, DO. I know it's really uncomfortable.
DO: Yeah. I just don't understand why you're crying.
Why was I crying? I wasn't feeling any real pain at the moment, I had too much adrenaline in my system. No one said anything particularly mean to me. What was the big deal?
It's hard to explain how you can cry from disappointment. It's hard to explain how you can cry from frustration. It's difficult to explain that you can cry from rage.
Me: I'm just not used to things like that. It hurt my feelings that the boys didn't care whether I was in the way or not. Whether I got hurt or not. Whether I lost my job or not. They just cared that they hurt the other boy. It really hurt my feelings.
DO: Well, I don't like that you're crying. It's hard to look at you.
Me: Yeah, I know. I'll try my best never to cry in front of you again. But no promises. Some things I just can't control.
DO: As long as you try.
Fist bump.
I drop off DO.
Me: Good night [cough cough gag]
DO: Cover your mouth when you cough.
Me: I did!
DO: No you didn't.
He smiles like a goofball as he walks away.
I laugh, and sniffle. My breathing becomes a little more regular.
My coworker/mentor calls and checks in around 10:57p. She heard that I might need an ear. I tell her what happened and begin crying again. She tells me to call if I need anything and get some sleep. I hang up and try to collect myself.
AR texts me around the time I got home
AR: U calmed down?
Me: Yeah, I'm really sorry you had to see me like that - I know it's not fun. I'll try my best to be calmer next time. You good?
AR: Yea. Now that you calm. What happened.
Me: [I explain what happened between the two boys and how I was in the middle of the mess]
AR: Wat dnt kill u make u stronger
Me. True that. As always, stuff could be worse.
AR: Anything got swollen or bruised?
Me: Not that I can see. I'll know tomorrow. Hopefully not. Just sore right now.
AR: Get some sleep.
Me: Shall do. You too. Gnight. Thanks for checking in.
Then I stopped crying.
DO: Are you sure??
I nod my head and I try to take a deep breath and fail.
He sits down and just stares at me. I put my head back in my hands and try to stop crying. But I can't. I'm too angry. I'm too hurt. I'm too disappointed.
I'm feeling way too much.
The other teacher calls.
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm just shook up at the moment. I'll be ok."
"Alright, I have some boys here for you."
"Yeah, i’m their ride. I’ll let their parents know we’re running late."
"Ok, let me know if you need anything."
"Sounds good. I'm holding onto one of them for a minute so we can keep distance between them. Let V go."
"I hear ya. See you in a few."
I'm breathing more evenly. I still have tears coming down my face and I hide my face to try and keep the kids from seeing how I look.
DO: Ms. Walka... you gotta stop crying.
Me: I know. I'm trying.
DO: I don't like it. Can you stop?
Me: Honestly? I'm not sure.
DO: Oh...
I finally get myself together enough to walk downstairs. Every time someone tries to talk to me, tears stream down my face. The other teacher, who asks if I'm ok, causes me to collapse into his arms. CM, who asks me to drive him somewhere inconvenient, pushes me to yell at the top of my lungs and hyperventilate. (He also stole $60 from me the other day and he doesn't know that I found out about 3 hours earlier...)
CM: Ms. Walker, they're not home.
Me: What would you like me to do about it??
CM: Can you drive me to my brother's house?
Me: You know what? No. I can't. I am tired. It's Friday night. I just got the shit kicked out of me and I want to go home. Your friend's house is no where close to anywhere I'm going right now. So, no. I can't.
CM: But–
Me: No. No "but". This is not my problem. You can figure it out. I want to go home.
CM: Ok...
I am full on crying again. Breathing like I have asthma. Coughing as though I have emphysema. The other 3 boys Look at each other and then to me, not sure what to do.
DO: Ms. Walka, you should really stop crying.
Me: I'm sorry - I'm trying.
I drop of MD. "I hope you sleep well, Ms. Walker."
I drop of AR. "You gonna be alright, Ms. Walker? Make sure you get some sleep."
As I'm driving DO home, we get to a stop light and I look at him. He looks back at me and frowns. He goes back and forth between my eyes, having a hard time processing what I look like. He looks down, and holds up his fist to pound [read:sign of affection].
Me: I'm really sorry that you had to see me cry like this, DO. I know it's really uncomfortable.
DO: Yeah. I just don't understand why you're crying.
Why was I crying? I wasn't feeling any real pain at the moment, I had too much adrenaline in my system. No one said anything particularly mean to me. What was the big deal?
It's hard to explain how you can cry from disappointment. It's hard to explain how you can cry from frustration. It's difficult to explain that you can cry from rage.
Me: I'm just not used to things like that. It hurt my feelings that the boys didn't care whether I was in the way or not. Whether I got hurt or not. Whether I lost my job or not. They just cared that they hurt the other boy. It really hurt my feelings.
DO: Well, I don't like that you're crying. It's hard to look at you.
Me: Yeah, I know. I'll try my best never to cry in front of you again. But no promises. Some things I just can't control.
DO: As long as you try.
Fist bump.
I drop off DO.
Me: Good night [cough cough gag]
DO: Cover your mouth when you cough.
Me: I did!
DO: No you didn't.
He smiles like a goofball as he walks away.
I laugh, and sniffle. My breathing becomes a little more regular.
My coworker/mentor calls and checks in around 10:57p. She heard that I might need an ear. I tell her what happened and begin crying again. She tells me to call if I need anything and get some sleep. I hang up and try to collect myself.
AR texts me around the time I got home
AR: U calmed down?
Me: Yeah, I'm really sorry you had to see me like that - I know it's not fun. I'll try my best to be calmer next time. You good?
AR: Yea. Now that you calm. What happened.
Me: [I explain what happened between the two boys and how I was in the middle of the mess]
AR: Wat dnt kill u make u stronger
Me. True that. As always, stuff could be worse.
AR: Anything got swollen or bruised?
Me: Not that I can see. I'll know tomorrow. Hopefully not. Just sore right now.
AR: Get some sleep.
Me: Shall do. You too. Gnight. Thanks for checking in.
Then I stopped crying.
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