"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." -Buddha
There are so many things to be angry about when you're working in inner-city schools, DCPS in particular...
Disparity between groups based on zip code. Attitudes of people ignorant to the problems of inner-city education. People within the system who perpetuate the problems schools face. Being forced to be a part of a union when you don't believe in what it's fighting for. Lawsuits against the District for denying FAPE to children. The problems you can't control that your students must face every day. The assumption that you aren't good at your job because of X, Y, and Z. The instability within the classroom, school building, and district. You are assumed guilty until proven innocent. Lack of resources. Lack of consistency. The list goes on.
With so much to be angry about, I'm a surprisingly happy person. I generally have a smile on my face, I laugh loud (and often), and I try very hard to have a "glass half full" mentality. If it was 4 years ago, I would be the raging angry person that this District turns people into - unable to handle all of the disfunction and running away as far as possible to somewhere... anywhere else.
While Buddha is not the first person to provide the advice "let it go", he sure does say it nicely. About 3 years ago I was talking with my dad, and he was having a hard time listening to me. He interrupted my whining about some insignificant sorority girl problem, and said, "Sweatheart, why do you care so much about this? You don't seem to even like the person..." I retorted, "Well of course I don't! I don't care about them! They're driving me crazy! I just don't understand why they need to make me so miserable!" Then he said the most infuriating and liberating comment, "Well, you clearly care about them because you're so angry about it. You care enough to be angry. If you really didn't care, you would't be so angry with them... you would simply not care."
I was enraged. How dare he tell me that I cared about something (or someone) that I didn't give a shit about. I didn't care SO much that I practically HATED it. So I stormed around my apartment at the time, huffing and puffing about whatever I didn't care about, and super mad at my dad for having the nerve to tell me how I felt.
A few days later, I had calmed down about whatever I thought was so upsetting. My dad tried to explain to me again what he meant about caring. "You do realize that it takes significant energy to be upset about something, right? For example, you were so upset about the situation that you not only spent energy being mad at the person, but you also go upset with me." He was right. In the heat of "not caring" about this person, I was spending a significant amount of time and energy being mad about a situation that (in the grand scheme of things) wasn't that big of a deal. Why did I care so much?
Maybe I liked drama. Maybe I was a emotional teenage girl (well, it was more my early twenties but it carried over from the teen years). Maybe that's how everyone else responded so I felt that I should do that too. It was unclear.
In light of this discovery/sage advice, I adopted a new frame of mind. I wasn't going to care if I didn't want to. I had the power to choose what I care about. This was the most liberating change I have ever gone through - with getting my drivers license as an extremely close second.
Ever since I decided that everything was a decision, life became a whole lot happier, and less stressful. It was a good thing I learned this lesson before starting my job because I know so many teachers from my program who didn't realize it was a choice to care about things. They would get beyond upset about things that were far out of their control. They spent so much time being upset that they became less effective teachers. Don't get me wrong - there is a certain level of caring and anger that is necessary for inner-city teachers to be there - but if you got outrageously upset about everything, you wouldn't be able to enjoy your job. I get angry sometimes, but only because I choose to. The things I choose to get angry about are the ones that I know I can change, thus allowing my anger to be productive, instead of destructive. Thanks to my dad's (and Buddha's) advice, I am able to channel my anger to benefit children and be a better teacher. Besides, anger is way overrated. It's much more beneficial to think about all the great aspects of my job.
There are many things to be happy about when you're working in inner-city schools, DCPS in particular...
The kids are awesome. You are in the midst of educational reform. Chancellor Kaya Henderson actually listens when you talk to her about issues within your school. The union isn't so strong that children are completely devastated (so thankful I don't teach in NYC). You can take kids on field trips to some of our nations greatest treasures (hellooooo Smithsonian Museums!). You know that you're making a difference, and know that you can show children they are worth it. DCPS is in flux, and we get to be a part of this (hopefully) positive change. I have a really great team of teachers I work with at my school. I have an administration that lets me run a program that I've completely made up. The list goes on.
There are so many things to be angry about when you're working in inner-city schools, DCPS in particular...
Disparity between groups based on zip code. Attitudes of people ignorant to the problems of inner-city education. People within the system who perpetuate the problems schools face. Being forced to be a part of a union when you don't believe in what it's fighting for. Lawsuits against the District for denying FAPE to children. The problems you can't control that your students must face every day. The assumption that you aren't good at your job because of X, Y, and Z. The instability within the classroom, school building, and district. You are assumed guilty until proven innocent. Lack of resources. Lack of consistency. The list goes on.
With so much to be angry about, I'm a surprisingly happy person. I generally have a smile on my face, I laugh loud (and often), and I try very hard to have a "glass half full" mentality. If it was 4 years ago, I would be the raging angry person that this District turns people into - unable to handle all of the disfunction and running away as far as possible to somewhere... anywhere else.
While Buddha is not the first person to provide the advice "let it go", he sure does say it nicely. About 3 years ago I was talking with my dad, and he was having a hard time listening to me. He interrupted my whining about some insignificant sorority girl problem, and said, "Sweatheart, why do you care so much about this? You don't seem to even like the person..." I retorted, "Well of course I don't! I don't care about them! They're driving me crazy! I just don't understand why they need to make me so miserable!" Then he said the most infuriating and liberating comment, "Well, you clearly care about them because you're so angry about it. You care enough to be angry. If you really didn't care, you would't be so angry with them... you would simply not care."
I was enraged. How dare he tell me that I cared about something (or someone) that I didn't give a shit about. I didn't care SO much that I practically HATED it. So I stormed around my apartment at the time, huffing and puffing about whatever I didn't care about, and super mad at my dad for having the nerve to tell me how I felt.
A few days later, I had calmed down about whatever I thought was so upsetting. My dad tried to explain to me again what he meant about caring. "You do realize that it takes significant energy to be upset about something, right? For example, you were so upset about the situation that you not only spent energy being mad at the person, but you also go upset with me." He was right. In the heat of "not caring" about this person, I was spending a significant amount of time and energy being mad about a situation that (in the grand scheme of things) wasn't that big of a deal. Why did I care so much?
Maybe I liked drama. Maybe I was a emotional teenage girl (well, it was more my early twenties but it carried over from the teen years). Maybe that's how everyone else responded so I felt that I should do that too. It was unclear.
In light of this discovery/sage advice, I adopted a new frame of mind. I wasn't going to care if I didn't want to. I had the power to choose what I care about. This was the most liberating change I have ever gone through - with getting my drivers license as an extremely close second.
Ever since I decided that everything was a decision, life became a whole lot happier, and less stressful. It was a good thing I learned this lesson before starting my job because I know so many teachers from my program who didn't realize it was a choice to care about things. They would get beyond upset about things that were far out of their control. They spent so much time being upset that they became less effective teachers. Don't get me wrong - there is a certain level of caring and anger that is necessary for inner-city teachers to be there - but if you got outrageously upset about everything, you wouldn't be able to enjoy your job. I get angry sometimes, but only because I choose to. The things I choose to get angry about are the ones that I know I can change, thus allowing my anger to be productive, instead of destructive. Thanks to my dad's (and Buddha's) advice, I am able to channel my anger to benefit children and be a better teacher. Besides, anger is way overrated. It's much more beneficial to think about all the great aspects of my job.
There are many things to be happy about when you're working in inner-city schools, DCPS in particular...
The kids are awesome. You are in the midst of educational reform. Chancellor Kaya Henderson actually listens when you talk to her about issues within your school. The union isn't so strong that children are completely devastated (so thankful I don't teach in NYC). You can take kids on field trips to some of our nations greatest treasures (hellooooo Smithsonian Museums!). You know that you're making a difference, and know that you can show children they are worth it. DCPS is in flux, and we get to be a part of this (hopefully) positive change. I have a really great team of teachers I work with at my school. I have an administration that lets me run a program that I've completely made up. The list goes on.
No surprise, but your dad was right to get you started at dealing with anger. These days, I am videotaping man-on-the-street interviews around the West Coast and confronting bureaucracy at every turn. The same kind of stuff in a way you confront in your job. If I keep my attitude positive toward the work, and the people blocking me, and when I do this, they fade into the background and the good stuff shows up at the end of each day. I applaud your efforts with the work that you do and I applaud your practicing each day to get past the frustrations that block you from moving forward and feeling good about it.
ReplyDeleteYour dad's friend and colleague–
David Hoffman
Kudos to you and your father! You have learned young that a having a good attitude is key to success and happiness. And also that your father (and mother) have good advice. Listen often, treasure their words and be so thankful for their love. Your life is the greatest gift you will ever receive and you are using it wisely. Katrina
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