There are several students who are openly known as my adopted children. I have several sons, and a daughter or two. One of my adopted sons, CH, is particularly attached to me. It wasn't until this summer that I realized how attached he was to the teachers in his life. He calls me daily, and also calls other teachers or texts them every couple of days if I am unavailable to chat.
I often ask him if he has hung out with any of his friends and he always tells me how he saw his manz "Charles". I have never met Charles, and I don't know which school he goes to, but CH sure does spend a lot of time with this boy. It's great to have a best friend, but if Charles wasn't available, CH just "sits in the house." I began to realize that Charles is CH's only real friend.
I was baffled. CH is a nice, sociable kid. He's inquisitive, polite, and is a decent conversationalist. Why wasn't he hanging out with more kids? The best way to find out is to ask, so as we sat in Barnes & Noble the other day I asked why he only hangs out with Charles. With a sigh, he explained his isolationist strategy to me...
You see, CH moved to a new neighborhood this past year. He didn't know many people and managed to escape being jumped by some kids that live between his new and old neighborhoods. Feeling unsafe, he stayed in the house (read: his 2 bedroom for 8 people apartment) all day and watched TV or wrote in his journal. He doesn't get along with his family so he keeps to himself when at home, trying not to bother anyone since it tends to escalate quickly. It was easy to just keep to himself, worry about doing well in school, and not bother anyone.
I told him that I understood that part, but if he made friends he would be able to leave the house and hang out with his friends. "No, you just don't get it Ms. Walker..." "Well, CH, can you explain it to me so I understand?"....
It's dangerous making friends. "You don't know people like that." While he may know people from school, it's hard to tell if they're going to turn on you. "You can't trust anyone out there. They're not like you."
They're not like me? Well, I knew that. Every time I pick him up or drive him home the stares and glares from the street and windows remind me that I'm not like "them". Despite the lack of description for why he doesn't trust anyone, I gained a real understanding for CH's anxiety around making friends. It turns out that it is actually dangerous to make new friends. You just can't be sure if they're going to set you up in a bad situation. You can't always tell what crew (read: gang) they are in or if they're going to walk a route that is dangerous for you but not them. School provided a No Man's Land for kids to make friends and determine if it was safe to see them outside of school. Without the "safety" of the school building to foster a friendship, kids have a hard time "knowing people like that."
Naturally, I decided to try and push CH outside of his comfort zone. I mean, he is significantly more paranoid than most of the other students (not without good reason) and needs to learn how to cope and make friends. He had been talking about how he needed headphones for his iPod touch he got for making Honor Roll (thank you Ms. B for giving that to me/CH!), so I told him I'd make a deal. He knows a lot of people in his summer college prep program - a perfect breeding ground for new friendships. If he hung out with one new person outside of his summer program, I would buy him some decent headphones.
Yes, I know what you're thinking. I'm bribing the child to make friends. While everyone may not have the same parenting techniques that I do, I must admit it is usually effective.
When I checked in with him today on his friend progress, he gave me many reasons why he hadn't asked anyone to hang out. He asked if I had extra headphones and I reminded him of my deal. "Ohhhh I don't know... it's really hot outside Ms. Walker... it's not like we can do anything...." "CH.... a deal is a deal!" "Alright... I will go buy them myself."
Bribery failed. I guess making friends is really as dangerous as he says...
I often ask him if he has hung out with any of his friends and he always tells me how he saw his manz "Charles". I have never met Charles, and I don't know which school he goes to, but CH sure does spend a lot of time with this boy. It's great to have a best friend, but if Charles wasn't available, CH just "sits in the house." I began to realize that Charles is CH's only real friend.
I was baffled. CH is a nice, sociable kid. He's inquisitive, polite, and is a decent conversationalist. Why wasn't he hanging out with more kids? The best way to find out is to ask, so as we sat in Barnes & Noble the other day I asked why he only hangs out with Charles. With a sigh, he explained his isolationist strategy to me...
You see, CH moved to a new neighborhood this past year. He didn't know many people and managed to escape being jumped by some kids that live between his new and old neighborhoods. Feeling unsafe, he stayed in the house (read: his 2 bedroom for 8 people apartment) all day and watched TV or wrote in his journal. He doesn't get along with his family so he keeps to himself when at home, trying not to bother anyone since it tends to escalate quickly. It was easy to just keep to himself, worry about doing well in school, and not bother anyone.
I told him that I understood that part, but if he made friends he would be able to leave the house and hang out with his friends. "No, you just don't get it Ms. Walker..." "Well, CH, can you explain it to me so I understand?"....
It's dangerous making friends. "You don't know people like that." While he may know people from school, it's hard to tell if they're going to turn on you. "You can't trust anyone out there. They're not like you."
They're not like me? Well, I knew that. Every time I pick him up or drive him home the stares and glares from the street and windows remind me that I'm not like "them". Despite the lack of description for why he doesn't trust anyone, I gained a real understanding for CH's anxiety around making friends. It turns out that it is actually dangerous to make new friends. You just can't be sure if they're going to set you up in a bad situation. You can't always tell what crew (read: gang) they are in or if they're going to walk a route that is dangerous for you but not them. School provided a No Man's Land for kids to make friends and determine if it was safe to see them outside of school. Without the "safety" of the school building to foster a friendship, kids have a hard time "knowing people like that."
Naturally, I decided to try and push CH outside of his comfort zone. I mean, he is significantly more paranoid than most of the other students (not without good reason) and needs to learn how to cope and make friends. He had been talking about how he needed headphones for his iPod touch he got for making Honor Roll (thank you Ms. B for giving that to me/CH!), so I told him I'd make a deal. He knows a lot of people in his summer college prep program - a perfect breeding ground for new friendships. If he hung out with one new person outside of his summer program, I would buy him some decent headphones.
Yes, I know what you're thinking. I'm bribing the child to make friends. While everyone may not have the same parenting techniques that I do, I must admit it is usually effective.
When I checked in with him today on his friend progress, he gave me many reasons why he hadn't asked anyone to hang out. He asked if I had extra headphones and I reminded him of my deal. "Ohhhh I don't know... it's really hot outside Ms. Walker... it's not like we can do anything...." "CH.... a deal is a deal!" "Alright... I will go buy them myself."
Bribery failed. I guess making friends is really as dangerous as he says...
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